These are trying times for journalism: print continues to take thunderous hits both in terms of criticism and advertising sales; HBO's "Newsroom," created by Aaron Sorkin ("West Wing") to explain the TV version of news, is both strange and oddly immature; and the Presidential candidates largely ignore our many problems while the long-established Madonna captures the attention of the Nation's press by hiring a "sterilization team" to make certain no one steals her DNA. The ever-vigilant entertainer apparently has cloning concerns.
While Future Press is blessed with neither the insight of Nostradamus nor Johnny Carson's Karnak, this bastion of communications study does offer an opportunity to see into an admittedly murky future by way of gut instinct and a little imagination.
The Associated Press
By Doug Doofus
Hollywood--November 14, 2012 - In a rare moment of candor, comedian Sacha Baron Cohen has admitted it is he who has designs on Madonna's DNA. The stunning announcement was made at a hastily called press conference following a confession made by Cohen during the shooting of "Osama bin Laden The Musical." the comedian's current film.
Although the act has yet to be consummated, the admission of intent followed months of conjecture regarding Madonna's hiring of a sterilization team concerned with making sure no one pilfers her DNA.
Cohen's admission was inspired by dialogue ad-libbed by fellow actors. Asked by one supporting player: "What is the difference between Madonna and E.T.?," the other replied: "One is an articulate monster and the other's a fictional character in a Steven Spielberg film." It was at that point that Cohen, the entertainer many believe is a litmus test for those who can't take a joke, suddenly shouted: "Hey, wait a minute. You got Madonna all wrong. I love her, well, sort of, and, what's more, I'm going to get her DNA."
Asked of his intentions regarding Madonna's DNA, Cohen replied: "The world is so screwed up I figure one more whacko can't hurt and might be just what we need."
Pressed regarding a seeming reluctance to procreate the old fashioned way, Cohen drew attention to Madonna's fierce and forceful personality while assuming the persona of the gay bon vivant he played in Bruno. "My only interest is bringing another nut into this world. Besides, if I did have sex with her, she'd be saying things like: "No, Sacha Baron Cohen, you do it this way." Underscoring his point of view, Cohen suggested: "You know, sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships."
Film fans gave Cohen mixed reviews for his break-through film, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Profit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan in which he played a sex-obsessed correspondent. Reports persist that Cohen will next star in "One Flew Over the Kazakhstani Cuckoo's Nest."
The startling DNA developments made pale by comparison recent suggestions that actor Tom Cruise has eyes for Madonna following his divorce from actress Katie Holmes. It was three years ago that Madonna stated her position on such topics as marriage, politics, pain, religion and the importance of ping pong while comparing herself to Cruise, another outspoken star who has been criticized for his involvement in Scientology. Paramount in the Rolling Stone magazine article, published in 2009, was her comment: "We're both in the take-a-lot-of-shit club together."
The feces reference was mostly aimed at Cruise's involvement in and promotion of Scientology, the cult founded by L. Ron Hubbard whose claims of Navy heroism during World War II were highly creative. Cruise's defense of Scientology has led to highly controversial television appearance involving such personalities as Brooke Shields, Matt Lauer and Oprah Winfrey. It was on the Winfrey TV show in 2006 that Cruise professed his love for Holmes while Jumping the Couch, a performance whose title was borrowed from the term "Jumping the Shark," (going off the deep end).
Cruise's cavorting on Oprah's furniture was deemed the Most Surprising TV Moment of The Year by E!, a channel devoted to highly obscure happenings including news that Cruise and Madonna originally were considered to play Henry and Karen Hill in "Goodfellas."
Questioned about his stunning announcement, Cohen was reminded of the singer's appearance in a 2000 video, "Music," in which he played a chauffeur. In an extended version of the material, Madonna turned her back on Cohen in an ultimate rejection of the comedian. Reminded that his admission of interest in Madonna's DNA might put a damper on her publicity plans, Cohen addressed the possibility of conspiracy theories: "Right," he said. "Let's go back to the grassy knoll. Who actually shot J.R.?
Those knowledgeable about the entertainment industry believe Cohen retaliated for the "Music" insult at the 2009 Golden Globes when he took a shot at Madonna and her divorce from Guy Ritchie. At the podium to present the award for Best Comedy to Woody Allen's "Vicky Christina Barcelona, Cohen veered into the area of how the recession is affecting celebrities by suggesting that "even Madonna has had to get rid of one of her personal assistants. Our thoughts go out to you, Guy Ritchie."
Publicist Fred Flack, a Hollywood insider, earlier this week prompted additional attention to Madonna's relationship with anyone of the masculine persuasion by recalling one of her better-known quotes: "straight men need to be emasculated."
"At first I thought the DNA story was a publicity stunt," said Cohen. "I figured Madonna would announce that someone, indeed, had stolen her DNA and that a posse of Southern California mystery writers like Joseph Wambaugh, Michael Connelly and T. Jeffrson Parker would tackle the case and, ahem, bring even more attention to Madonna. It would be kind of like "Where's Waldo" only with DNA. "Where's Madonna's DNA?" has a real ring of authenticity to it and let's throw in exhaustive searches conducted at such likely places as Dodger Stadium, Grauman's Chinese Theater, the La Brea Tar Pits, rest rooms at LAX, and the gay bath houses of L.A."
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